Hey there, Happy International Women’s Day! I feel like it’s worth re-sharing an article I wrote previously. This theme seems to remain prevalent in culture and in my experience, even in the most unlikely of communities (albeit much more subtle and “under the surface.”) I feel inclined to keep shining a light on this area of potential growth. Please reach out to me with any thoughts, I’d love to hear them!
xo~Jen
I’m bursting to talk about something. Not to lecture or inform, but to ease myself and any other woman who might resonate with what I’m about to say. Guys, absolutely read on if you like. Actually, it couldn’t hurt at all. Women thrive with supportive, secure men behind them, and vice versa. We all work together–fit together–like a perfect puzzle.
I’ve always found it difficult to make new female friends, and recently I’ve experienced a few things that caused an old scab to tear off, oozing and painful. It hurts when other women make assumptions about me. Even though I know that their feelings toward me only magnify their own wounds like a big blazing spotlight, it still stings a little.
I’ve often felt like I don’t belong anywhere, even when among friends. And shyness and the need to please as a kid somehow morphed into me worrying way too much about what other women thought of me. Strong perceptive abilities can be both a blessing and a curse. In the past, I cared too much about whether other women thought me adequate enough. Later in life, it became apparent to me that some women thought my life was a perfect bowl of cherries. Out of that came the fear, was I “too much” something? Too happy, too smart, too confident, too pretty, too colorful, too weird? Am I making someone feel insecure about themselves? Always a new “too” around the corner to consider. It felt easier to try to imitate or to make myself smaller. Blend in like a nice faint shade of gray.
Why do women feel the need to pick each other apart?
Why do we turn on each other so easily? Why are we so paranoid about other women? Why do we so often assume the worst about them? Do we have an inherent distrust for each other? It seems that way sometimes. But I feel deep in my bones that the women before us, who paved their way through thousands of years of patriarchy, did not do it so that we can quibble over our choices about marriage, kids or career. Or to judge each other’s appearance, personalities, style of living, diets, the products we buy, our home decor or our political parties. Instead, I bet they’d want to see us continue to grow and evolve together with grace and empathy. Even when we disagree with each other.
Where is sisterhood?
Not gossipy friendships that make us feel safe, but authentic, unconditional sisterhood? Where did we get this idea that we have to fight each other to get the job, the guy, the friends, the “everything we want,” like there’s some finite supply of success and happiness available to us? That my success requires someone’s failure, or that someone’s happiness means I must be inadequate? That another woman must fall for me to rise? Why do we so fear being cast aside, excluded?
The solutions to these questions require honest introspection. For me, for you, for us all. They require an acknowledgment that old scars could manifest themselves when we least expect it. And then they require a willingness to heal. To look beyond ourselves and cherish each other from a place of openness. We all want to feel valued. When we witness and acknowledge value in others, this spirit of acceptance comes back to us.
Who do you irritate?
Who do you get awkward or passive-aggressive vibes from? Don’t get caught up in this person’s energy. Approach them from a place of compassion. It took me a long time not to take coldness or dismissiveness from other women personally, and to understand that I have nothing to do with the way they see me, because they view me through the lens of their own perception of themselves and the world.
Put your jealousy to work.
What do you want that another person has? Why are you jealous of her? She’s showing you what you want, and can create, for yourself. We can drop the whole “scratch and claw to get ahead” mentality if we want to. We don’t have to view ourselves as separate and the world as cutthroat. Instead of denying your jealousy, pay extra attention when it rears its head. It could tell you more about your untapped potential.
Who triggers you?
Who pisses you off? Who intimidates you? Focus on those people, because they’re your guides. They’re here to help. Figure out what exactly they’re triggering in you, and ask yourself why. There’s a wound under there, and once you find it, don’t brush it away. Sit with it until it makes you real uncomfortable, and then release it. Meditation is a great way to do this. Heal your pain, and you reclaim a part of yourself back. You become more whole.
Don’t compare yourself to other women.
There’s no competition. That’s a fiction of a culture that props up an idealized, unrealistic image of female perfection. When you try to be like someone else, you abandon who you’re really meant to be. Don’t model your image after someone else, because then you abandon you, and there’s only one you in the world. Glorious, rare, irreplaceable you. Don’t put someone else on a pedestal. We’re all on the same ground. There’s no higher or lower. Honor and respect who you admire, but know that you have the same potential that they do, even though yours may only be a seed.
Stop trying to be liked by everyone.
It’s impossible and it’s a waste of time. You’re not meant to be friends with everyone. If you don’t mesh with someone, that’s perfectly fine. But still appreciate that she’s trying to do her best in the best way she knows how. Respect other women and accept others’ respect without the need to feel externally validated by women, or men either, for that matter.
Your inner circle should be a haven.
A safe space to be heard. To honor and be honored. To reveal your wounds, shed your tears and nourish your spirit without worry of appearing a little bit crazy. Without being met by ulterior motive or ego. It’s a space to exhale and collectively let go of the need to fix yourself or each other. To swim in collective relief, a collective unconditional hug, and to just stay there for awhile. As part of group of women like this, you becomes “we.” Women are not meant to be small, separate and fearful. We’re meant to work together, as only we can when we connect. Compassionate, passionate, resilient and wise.
We women have a lot in common. We share the same physical human body, with its own blessings and challenges. We share many of the same roles, hopes, and experiences. We share the same feminine power–We have the flow to birth unique ideas and the power to birth new life from nothing. And when we choose to nurture each other in that power, ours only grows. It becomes big and beautiful and magical. But only when we together choose to go deep–Under the surface, beyond niceties, and through storms.
When we choose to let our full self to be seen in all its weird, wild glory, the women who want to support who we are will come out of the woodwork, and those that don’t will fall away.
When you light up, your soul sisters will flicker on too. There’s no need to dim. Be authentically yourself. Light up without hesitation. Light up with pride. Be seen, so that they can find you. And then bask in the glow.
